It's All About Me

Life is very interesting when you get down to it.  When you are not so caught up in the happenings that you can pay attention to what's going on behind the scenes.  When you can be just conscious enough to understand that the things that you experience and that your attention is drawn to is for a reason.

I get, in my life, that the reason is always me.

Talk to any successful person and they will tell you about a time (probably many times) that they didn't feel so successful.  They will tell you of times when they didn't think they would make it.  They will discuss times that they got off track.  They will share times that they felt like they wouldn't be able to overcome and get back on the right path.  But what they all have in common and the reason they were able to become and continue to be successful is that they didn't let those times rule them.  They had a choice, be defeated in that moment by that situation or get up and realize that this too shall pass and keep pressing on.  They chose the latter.  Even when things got rough and even when it would have been easier to throw in the towel, they dusted themselves off and kept moving in the direction of their dreams.

I want to be like those people.  I want to be sitting in an interview and be asked, "What do you attribute your success to?"  And I answer, "Taking responsibility, adjusting my focus and moving forward."

Taking Responsibility

That's what I mean when I say, it's all about me.  There is nothing that happens in my life that isn't directly correlated with my beliefs about myself and my life.  Coming to understand that is one of the hardest things to do.  It's not about the mistake that was made, it's about the belief that led me to make that mistake.   It's not just about admitting to myself and those I may have wronged that I triggered a hurt within them, it's about my expectations in the world and of the world that led me down the path to that situation.

I've grown into someone that can admit when he's been or done wrong.  I am open to learning new things and becoming a better person. But the most challenging thing is confronting the negative expectation within myself, facing it and replacing it.  I have chosen to see life in a certain way, through a certain lens, from a certain perspective and that choice shows up as the things that happen and the things I focus upon in myself, my community and my world.  And my first step to success is the willingness to take responsibility for those choices, recognize those that don't serve the goals of my life and to make a different choice.

Adjusting Focus

I've trained myself over the years to look at life from certain perspectives. Some of them work for me. Some of them don't - or don't any longer.  Some of these I learned and accepted from people I looked up to and trusted and instilled them in my life.  Some were just choices made from, what seemed like, patterns being repeated in my life.  No matter where they came from, they are habits of thoughts now that continue to place me in situations that are meant for me to address them if necessary.

Beliefs - habits of thought - are actually very transient.  But they can become squatters.  Once they have embedded themselves, it takes effort to remove and replace them.  Adjusting my focus isn't just about shifting my focus back to my goal.  It's also about shifting my focus to the thought patterns that need to be in place for that goal to be reached.  It's about recognizing what I am allowing to hinder me and removing that self-imposed obstacle (because they all are self-imposed) from my way.

For me, at this time, it's about seeing the good in people and believing in that goodness.  It's about expecting to be met by the God in others when I interact with them.  It's about knowing that when I do encounter someone acting negatively that it's not the real them - it's their hurt, their pain, their disappointments, their insecurities, their barrier, their beliefs and expectations about the world around them.  The real part of all of us is the Spirit of God within us, the part that most of us don't know.  But if I know it's there, and keep my attention focused on that part of you, perhaps you will see it too.  Perhaps you will start seeking it out.  Perhaps you will learn to connect with who you really are.

Moving On

Taking the next step in this journey to success is impossible if I allow my regret to hold me back.  What's done is done.  And even if I didn't respond to a situation as the best of who I know I could have been in that moment, I can't change it now.  All I can do is bless the situation for happening, for allowing me to see myself with more clarity, and for offering me the opportunity to grow.  And then I have to forgive myself for whatever part I played in the drama.  I have to love myself in spite of my mistakes. I have to forgive myself in spite of receiving the forgiveness of others.  I have to forgive myself for viewing any and everyone involved as less than the Child of God that they are.  Then I am free to take the next step.

It's interesting to realize that there is never really a need for anyone else to do anything other than what they are doing or be anything other than who they think they are.  Often there is no need to have a conversation to get to the bottom of anything.  It's all about me making peace with me, loving me unconditionally, letting myself and others off the hook for unrealistic expectations, and not allowing myself to be drawn into self-pity or participate in what may seem to be the attempt of another to make me suffer or feel guilty.

That's maturity.

That's being a grown up.

It's My Body and I'll Get Slim If I Want To!

Our bodies have such an impact on our thought process about ourselves. Actually, being the only visible aspect of who we are, it has the most impact on what we think about ourselves and, of course, is the first thing people see about us.  And who among us didn't or doesn't have a thought "I wonder what he/she thinks about how I look?"

Last night I was on a phone call with someone I haven't seen in a while.  I was talking to him about how I've lost weight and about me going to the gym three times a week. He then asked me if I was trying to change my body.  I inferred from his tone and the following conversation that his impression was that I was loosing weight to make myself more attractive to and appreciated by others if my body type was different.  He suggested that three days a week was a lot of time to spend in the gym.  And in the end, it seemed as if I was being told that I should just settle with the body type I am currently in and not aim for something different.

In some ways I agree.  No matter what, there does come a necessity for us to learn to love and appreciate ourselves where we are in our process. If we have some extra pounds, we have to know that we are still beautiful and attractive individuals, inside and out.  We have to understand that God didn't create us all to be the same height, weight, color, religious affiliation or even sexual orientation.  And it is this mix of endless differences that makes the world so colorful, vibrant, interesting and exciting.  We get to interact with all the differences and decide for ourselves how we want to live our lives and each person will choose something a little different to everyone else.  And weight is a part of the mix of interesting things we get to live and experience.  So yes, we must appreciate the body that we are in now whether we want to lose weight or gain weight or not change at all.

Yet even in our learning to appreciate ourselves, we still have to interact with others in a world where we are taught to take heed of what other people think of us.  And even those of us who decide not to "give a fcuk," can't totally negate the impact that another person's thought's have on us.  And since the first thing people notice about us is our body, it goes without saying that apart of our desire to change our body shape comes from how we are accepted/rejected by those around us. And those of us who experience live in larger physiques are more profoundly affected by the thoughts of society at large about our size.  And while we may come to love ourselves and our physiques, we still are affected by the way people look at us or the way we THINK people look at us.

My answer to him was this: I've experienced life as a fat boy.  I've learned a lot from it and with all my struggles with weight, I wouldn't change a bit of that time.  Many of the lessons I've learned about life came from dealing with my weight journey.  Now I want to experience life with a smaller body, one with definition and added strength.  One that makes a larger part of the population stop and take a second or third appreciative look.  I want to feel better about how I think the world looks at me.

And there is nothing wrong with that being my motivation. Yes, I want to have a picture of my body reblogged endlessly on Tumblr.  Yes I want people in the club or at the beach to see my body before they get to know my heart and mind.  Of course I have been through enough to understand what criteria I use to pick the people I want to date, but there is nothing wrong with enjoying the appreciation that comes from others about how you look.

Now at the end of the day, none of us should be looking at the appreciation of others as the building block for our appreciation of ourselves.  Self-love and self-respect remain of primary importance.  We have to know our own worth, talents and abilities and appreciate ourselves despite our mistakes or perceived short-comings. We each have to be able to look in the mirror and love what we see reflected back to us.  We have to know that we were created 'good enough' and no situation or circumstance can take away our status before God as 'good enough.' We don't have to be thinner, thicker, taller, shorter, have a big house, forsake all worldly possessions in order for the Divine to accept us, love us and continually give us the desires of our heart.  We just have to recognize our innate worthiness and walk in pride no matter what our outer circumstances look like.  And when we have that knowledge imbedded deep within, every appreciative glance, every flirt, every pound loss by someone larger or pound gained by someone smaller, every piece of clothing that fits exactly like we want it to fit is that much sweeter as we experience it. 

There are a myriad of things to sift through in life.  Each and every situation and interaction, good or bad, inspires in us a desire for an experience that we believe will make us happier. And as we experience the things that make us happier, our belief in our worthiness is strengthened as we are faced with the next set of experiences to sift through to determine what we want next in life.

If you are struggling with weight,

1. know that the new body you want to be in is the same body that God wants to see you in - Why? Because God loves you enough to give you the desires of your heart. 
2. know that the body you have isn't what's holding you back, it's your thoughts about yourself and ultimately your body that's holding you back.  Appreciate yourself daily- you talents and gifts as well as the parts of your body you do love. Celebrate yourself and your successes
3. have fun with it. Remember your desire here is to be happier and more fulfilled, the change in body type is just a reflection of that. Do things that are fun and active. Join others doing similar things.  You will make new friends and strengthen friendships you already have and as your focus is on the fun more than the weight, the weight will fall off naturally.
4. appreciate those who appreciate you. As I've become more comfortable in my own skin I can now see the people around me who love me for who I am.  I don't have to change for them, but with me they celebrate my success and encourage me to follow the direction of my bliss/happiness.

These are just a few things I've picked up on my journey.  And I am going to continue to move in the direction of a smaller body type (though I'm always gonna be thick in the right places *wink*) And I'm going to love getting more and more cat calls, whistles, and dates as I move closer to my goal.

You Gotta Let It All Go

I went to see this very interesting play this past weekend called "Booty Candy."  First of all, if you ever get a chance to see this play, you owe it to yourself to check it out.  There was one scene in the play that stood out to me more than the others.  It was a scene about an un-commitment ceremony.  In the scene a lesbian couple was essentially getting a divorce. The scene was funny because the two women really hated each other and they were pledging to continue to hate each other for as long as they both shall live. But the scene brought up something very interesting for me: Do we really let go when we break up?

Relationships (straight/gay, romantic/platonic) connect us to people spiritually.  It's as if there is a cord that connects me to you and you to me and there is a transfer of energy that happens between the people in that relationship.  The closer we get to a person, the thicker the cord. And while we have ceremonial ways of initiating relationships like handshakes, hugs, exchanging gifts, making promises, exchanging rings and having sex; do we have ways of ceremonially disconnecting from people when they are no longer a part of our lives?

I think that it's important for us to ceremonially disconnect from people who are not in our lives anymore; past friends and lovers as well as one night stands.  For me, this process includes throwing away mementos, pictures and other reminders of what used to be. Also a visualization process where I see myself disconnecting these cords, releasing myself from these people and working through any disappointment that lingers because of the ending of these relationships.  Some people refer to these things as the emotional baggage we carry - some of it is attached to the physical representations of past relationships that we hold on to. As we let these things go, we are also letting these people go and we are opening ourselves up to the relationships that are more suited for who we are now to come into our lives.

What you are holding on to could be holding you back from the blessings that are lined up for you.  It's like you've chained yourself in place and you can't move freely into what God has for you next.  So I encourage you to break the chains by releasing the attachments you have with ex's and past friends. Sell jewelry, donate clothes, throw away letters/cards/pictures.  Even if they bring back good memories, holding on to that past is keeping you from a better future.

Letting go of these things also helps break patterns of attraction.  Do you find that you keep meeting similar types of people? Cut ties to those from your past who were like that and claim the new experience with the type of person you want to be involved with now.  And that's the second part, welcome the new experiences. Be excited that now that these old cords have been cut, new relationships are coming into your life.  Rejoice that now you know the people you meet will be more beneficial to you.

People come into your life for a reason.  They come to help you learn more about who you are and what you want out of life.  They are supposed to stay till that has been accomplished.  For folks who inspire growth in one another and both allow their lives to follow the path of that growth, it could be a long interaction with both parties growing to new levels and inspiring more growth in each other.  But when it's time for folks to leave, even that is inspiring growth but you can't experience that growth without being willing to let them go so you both can grow into the new people that are meant to come into your lives.

Go ahead and cry, mourn the ending of the relationships. Cry out the hurt and disappointment. Like rain clears pollen from the sky, tears clear the residue of these ended and ending relationships from your heart, waters the seeds of desire for new relationships, and is the catalyst for the growth of these new experiences. Letting go of the mementos from the past is like lifting anchor so that you can set sail in a new direction instead of going in circles.  See how quickly your life will shift.

Asking for your assistance

We have been taught that we have not, because we don't ask. We don't ask our families. We don't ask our friends. We don't even ask God. Even though it is promised that our asking, seeking and knocking shall be rewarded.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8.

We often think that our asking is a sign of weakness and dependence when we are taught to be strong and stand on our own. But do you realize that it is impossible to do much of anything completely on your own.

Think about it; to have a place to live, have a way to get around, get your job done, put clothes on your back, have food to eat – it all takes other people input and assistance. Our progress individually and corporately is all because of the progress of those who came before us, and it is those who are coming after us who will elevate our contributions to the next level.

We are created to be inter-dependent. There is something you have that will help me, and there is something I have that can help you. And this give and take/sharing of resources makes the world go around. We are like pieces of the puzzle of life. We are all necessary components to the whole of life. There is something you bring into the world that no one else can bring in the way you will bring it. God intended each of us to be here and for each of us to share our uniqueness with each other.

So I am going to surrender to the inter-dependent nature of our world as I look to move forward towards the life of my dream. I am going to ask you to contribute to my progress and to the achievement of my goals.

I’m just asking for $1, a prayer/wish for my success and that you’d pass this on as you feel led. That’s it. And what will that $1 go towards? Well let me tell you a bit about me.

My life has been a journey of learning to love myself, listen to my inner wisdom, live authentically & find and follow my passion/purpose. And I feel it is my purpose to help others do the same. I am a seeker of truth and constantly looking to grow and expand in my life. And I get so much joy helping others do the same. As a Transformational Life Coach, I have been able to help many people turn their lives and relationships around by teaching them the very things that I have learned – to love themselves, listen to their inner wisdom, live authentically and to find & follow their passion/purpose. But I’d love to do so much more and this is how your $1 will help.

I want to be free of my 9-5 to launch full time into a life of helping others transform their lives. Having the responsibilities of a day job make it difficult to have time to write, develop personal & spiritual development programming and have time to travel for speaking engagements. It also means there is little time for me to take part in things that will help me improve at my craft like personal & professional developments seminars, writing & speaking workshops and sabbaticals for meditation and further self discovery. Your $1, or more if you feel led, can help me do all these things and more!

Just $1 from you is helping me have the freedom to help others. Those who want to live shamelessly. Those who want to know how to stand in their power. Those who want to understand the fundamental laws of the universe and how to apply them. Those who want to know the reality of who they are as children of God and joint heirs with Christ. Those who want to rise above despair and powerlessness and create the life they’ve only dreamed of. And I know I can help them change their lives, because I have changed mine! You will be helping me have a broader reach and bigger impact. This is what I am here to do and I am depending on you to help me.

We are all in this together!

I want to thank you for even stopping by and reading this. Thank you for considering what I am asking, and if you decide not to give, I thank you for saying a prayer that I will be successful in my venture. Just your participation in this venture is a part of the puzzle of my experience. I appreciate you and send you love and wishes for a spectacular life.

And I encourage you to reach out to those in your life as well for assistance achieving your dreams. Whether you ask them for money, support, encouragement, or anything else, allow them to be the blessing to you that God intended them to be.

You will be amazed at the results!

So go to http://dulani.chipin.com/living-my-dream and contribute to my greatness as I help others achieve theirs.

I love you and thank you!

Get Into It and Get Your Life Episode 17 3/2/2011 - J Braggs and D Moore | Internet Radio | Blog Talk Radio

This Episode is about SEX. What does God think of Sex? What is the purpose of Sex? What is the difference between Sex and Intimacy? Why infidelity often ends relationships and destroys trust?

These were the questions we answered... take a listen and GET YOUR LIFE!

Get Into It and Get Your Life Episode 17 3/2/2011 - J Braggs and D Moore | Internet Radio | Blog Talk Radio

Hidden Treasures

Have you ever been walking down the street and see a store that doesn't look like much from the outside, and yet you are drawn in and are pleasantly surprised once in side because of all of the great finds you might otherwise have missed.

Have you ever been hungry and stopped in, what looked like, a run down building only to find some of the best tasting food you have ever eaten?

How often are we shocked because something looked, from the outside, unappealing and yet when we take the time to explore a little further we find that it was just what you had been looking for?

I had an interesting thought today.  I was looking at someone that I had absolutely no interest in when I met them.  Now that I have known them for a while, getting to know them and seeing so many things that I appreciate about them, I realized that if the situation allowed it I would try to date them.  It was an interesting observation about myself and about dating in general.

Sometimes we miss the treasure because we don't like the chest.

These days it seems we are more concerned with looks and social status when it comes to these personal relationships.  Not to mention familial and societal pressure to be in a relationship is so high that many feel like they have to be in a relationship - and the sooner the better.  Also there is a prevailing belief that this other someone makes us somehow better, or even whole.  With these things nagging in our minds we make secondary what is really important - who is this person really and do our desires for and beliefs about life make us compatible partners.  Its like we think that if the person is attractive and the sex is good, everything else will work out.  The problem is that there is a world of people who are just as (if not more) attractive that knows a few more sexual tricks AND as you start to see who a person really is, the lust fades and there is really nothing else left.

No one can make you better, they can only spark the desire in you to grow.  And God created us whole, so to think that anyone can complete us discredits the creator.

I am not saying that there is something wrong with having preferences.  We like what we like.  There is variety in the world and we all appreciate being able to sift through to find what we enjoy and know that there is something for every taste and every fetish.  There is a joy in finding someone that mirrors who we are and what we bring to the table.  I am saying that there is something deeper that has to be acknowledged.  A person is more than their bank account, their physique, their job, car, house, parentage.  What about their personality, their pet-peeves, their desires for life, their arrogance, how many children they want, whether or not they want to get married, are they looking love or a lay, etc.

Sometimes after we sort through all that a person brings with them the one we didn't give a chance, might just be the chance of a lifetime.

Stick To It

So I have been bombarded with messages lately. Messages for me of course, but I think we all know that there is probably at least one other person out there that could also benefit from what is revealed to us.

So I have been bombarded with messages lately. More and more it's coming to me that if I want to move forward into my dream life, it's time to act - and act decisively. It's time to face the fears, push though the blockages and to tell mountains to move out of my way. It's time for me to get out of my own way.

Here is what I have been getting (Perhaps this is confirmation for you)

1. Have a Clear Vision & Write it down - go to any seminar or read any book on goals or creating the life you desire and the first (or second, but probably the first) point that they will make is that you need to have a CLEAR UNDERSTANDING of what you want to accomplish/the life you want to have. We (I) have to write down, clearly, what it is I want to have, do and be in this life. Not doing this keeps you circling in that wilderness, like the Israelites did for - what was it - 40 years! They doubted the promise of the land flowing with milk and honey. And, honestly, each day we (I) don't work on writing down that plan, we are also saying "NOPE. I don't believe that I can really have it." And guess what, we never get it.

2. Stay focused on your vision - ok so you have something written down... it does little good if it is in a notebook that ends up in a file cabinet (or the trash). Reaching our goals requires us to spend time focusing on those goals every day. Taking time to visualize having reached those goals and what life will be like at that point, even thinking about what are the next goals now that you have reached this set. Placing ATTENTION on our vision with the INTENTION of making it happen with the BELIEF that it's going to happen is the most powerful way to make things happens.

3. Take Action - There is something we can do, almost everyday, that will keep us steadily moving toward our goals. We have to take action and do those things. We have see the vision clear enough that we know the steps to achieving those goals - or we know who to talk to in order to find out the steps. Jack Canfield (best know for Chicken Soup for the Soul) says in his book 'The Success Principles' "If you are clear on where you are going and you take several steps in that direction every day, you will eventually get there." And S. N. Goenka echoes that when he says "Work diligently. Diligently. Work patiently and persistently. Patiently and persistently. And you are BOUND to be successful. Bound to be successful."

4. Be Committed - The most powerful quotes I have come across so far is this, "There is a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results." (Ken Blanchard) WOW! We have to be 100% committed to fulfilling our dreams. 100% committed to living our best lives. We have to make the step necessary to achieve these goals nonnegotiable. The things we want to accomplish have to be so important to us, laced with so much burning desire, that we stop accepting our own excuses and DO what we know we need to do consistently until we reach that goal.

These 4 things are swirling around in my head and heart. I know it's time for me to take them seriously and start doing what is necessary for me to live the life of my dreams. And that is the best gift I could ever give myself.